Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Dead Horse
I’m not beating a dead horse I’m truly not. I’m just constantly thinking (which I believe impedes my learning) and much of my focus tends to be on the why of things. I wrote earlier about how a professor believed I might have cheated on a Spanish paper and how furious it made me...While I was in his Spanish class today and with a splitting head ache (one that is still swinging in the gallows of my head) I came to an epiphany. I realized that I got so upset because during the course of the class I developed a Human-Teacher perspective in regards to my professor. I saw him as this excellent teacher with passion for his subject. I saw him endearing in human qualities like his curtness, his broad knowledge on topics of the language, and his references to his girlfriend in Spain. Most of all I considered him human. When he pulled me aside and talked to me about my paper it felt like he was approaching me like some quota of accusation he needed to make in the semester. Even when he and I discussed our disagreements through…he said, “Usually when I approach a student with this…” There again when he saw my nameless human-less face in the mass of other students and pulled his statistic (me) to the side and went over his cheating philosophies, he approached me with a lack of humanism. That in my mind is tactless. If he knew the smiling student who attends every class, sits front row and makes jokes in Spanish to aid the flow of time…if he knew me, he would have approached me less generally and more humanly. My stupid ideals always seem to get in the way. I’m such an emotional feely-type person. I look for the content in people and probably unrealistically look for people to handle me the same (by looking for the content in me.) I liked my professor and would never think badly of him…He brought me to the side and accused me of such an unethical thing…That damaged our bond because he treated my like another statistic, I now look at him as a Teacher-Teacher. No longer do I view him in the esteem of Human-Teacher. Perhaps in these written down words my ideas seem extreme dramatic. Really they are not, most everyday we approach people in an inanimate impersonal way. This truly is the status-quo for a teacher student relationship. But now my schema (concept) of him is in that status-quo. We can laugh and be kind and talk Spanish but in this schema I believe we can really never know each other…that’s a shame. On a more optimistic note, I believe in a “7 Habits” b.s. sort of philosophy. Relationships are like a bank account. You can withdraw but you must deposit. If you overdraw that is when relationships break or strain. But over time relationship can build up to its old heights. It just takes time and proactive effort to develop and strengthen it back up. In the mood of this pessimistic headache…I doubt that will happen in this semester.
I’m not beating a dead horse I’m truly not. I’m just constantly thinking (which I believe impedes my learning) and much of my focus tends to be on the why of things. I wrote earlier about how a professor believed I might have cheated on a Spanish paper and how furious it made me...While I was in his Spanish class today and with a splitting head ache (one that is still swinging in the gallows of my head) I came to an epiphany. I realized that I got so upset because during the course of the class I developed a Human-Teacher perspective in regards to my professor. I saw him as this excellent teacher with passion for his subject. I saw him endearing in human qualities like his curtness, his broad knowledge on topics of the language, and his references to his girlfriend in Spain. Most of all I considered him human. When he pulled me aside and talked to me about my paper it felt like he was approaching me like some quota of accusation he needed to make in the semester. Even when he and I discussed our disagreements through…he said, “Usually when I approach a student with this…” There again when he saw my nameless human-less face in the mass of other students and pulled his statistic (me) to the side and went over his cheating philosophies, he approached me with a lack of humanism. That in my mind is tactless. If he knew the smiling student who attends every class, sits front row and makes jokes in Spanish to aid the flow of time…if he knew me, he would have approached me less generally and more humanly. My stupid ideals always seem to get in the way. I’m such an emotional feely-type person. I look for the content in people and probably unrealistically look for people to handle me the same (by looking for the content in me.) I liked my professor and would never think badly of him…He brought me to the side and accused me of such an unethical thing…That damaged our bond because he treated my like another statistic, I now look at him as a Teacher-Teacher. No longer do I view him in the esteem of Human-Teacher. Perhaps in these written down words my ideas seem extreme dramatic. Really they are not, most everyday we approach people in an inanimate impersonal way. This truly is the status-quo for a teacher student relationship. But now my schema (concept) of him is in that status-quo. We can laugh and be kind and talk Spanish but in this schema I believe we can really never know each other…that’s a shame. On a more optimistic note, I believe in a “7 Habits” b.s. sort of philosophy. Relationships are like a bank account. You can withdraw but you must deposit. If you overdraw that is when relationships break or strain. But over time relationship can build up to its old heights. It just takes time and proactive effort to develop and strengthen it back up. In the mood of this pessimistic headache…I doubt that will happen in this semester.
# posted by Nick D @ 9:18 PM 
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Perhaps because of this encounter with your teacher, you might flip that thought around and see him as even more human. I'm not advocating the way he approached the matter, but sometimes we humans get overwhelmed with the things we must attend to and neglect our natural tendencies. What I'm getting at is maybe this specific situation shows only that your original thought was correct, he's only human.
I relate very much to what you've said in this post and have often felt the same way about people. I often think, "but if they knew me...". All I can do is remember they are human, overwhelmed the same as I am. Though it doesn't always make the sting go away. I don't have answers, and I still get stung most every day.
I relate very much to what you've said in this post and have often felt the same way about people. I often think, "but if they knew me...". All I can do is remember they are human, overwhelmed the same as I am. Though it doesn't always make the sting go away. I don't have answers, and I still get stung most every day.
I know your right I’m sure my feelings of angst are due to the concept (not fact) that most of the people that I admire in my life are people that I cannot have a real human tangible friendship with…largely due our current society’s concept of time. We are humans put into quite inhuman circumstances…MxPx said, “We all know by now that time’s (sic) the enemy.”
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