Monday, October 03, 2005
"Haven't slept a wink"
It feels like everyday I sit before this computer screen and my fingers balk at what they need to say (and yes I personified my fingers by attributing the idea that they had something to say. Associated Press, please crucify me for my sins.) I don’t know if I ever sit here with any real agenda…I just need to think and speak freely. This whole writing thing is like the best friend that to this day I have yet to have….I’m not really sure what I want to say tonight to this my friend, this ear of cyberspace, the one place I can feel…well, I can feel like this guy I saw today. So, I pulled an all-nighter last night. I just cleaned until the waking hours of work…I could feel my brain excrete chemicals organically ordered to tranquilize me. I was dozing off here and there at work with this heavy mental apprehension of “God why did I do this to myself.” It was like one of those intense paranoid marijuana induced highs where you keep praying to the “alternative cognitive state gods” and ask for the feeling to end. At the mercy of my decisions my brain functions where limited and concentration was null. When I got to school I was just a walking self conscience zombie with eyes sunk to the floor and a “leave me the fuck alone” disposition. I met my girlfriend at the college coffee shop and we ate while I attempted to catch up with my studies for Spanish class. After I fueled my angry stomach with the plain serving of food in which this coffee shop concocts and their thin blooded coffee my girlfriend escorted me to this most amazing part of campus. I shit you not it’s a full fledged “siesta lounge.” But technically it’s dubbed a “quite study area” but by unspoken colloquial rule it’s a nap haven. Upon entering this alternate universe your cerebral cortex picks up on the power of its solitude. It’s this quite hum sheltered away from the hustle of school. While in search of my perfect napping area I saw a guy laying back flush against the carpeted floor in full out REM state. And its this, this is the idea I’m talking about! Here is a grown adult in the most vulnerable and most humble positions he could be in. His face flush with the sky above him as his shoulders are anchored to the ground like a piece of the room’s furniture. To societal norms this view would be one of obscurity but this man was more comfortable acting this weird than I am attempting to act normal. It’s this freedom this ability to know one’s self so completely that one loses the fear of ridicule. I have this desire to be unabashedly myself and there are just those people who are unabashedly themselves. I know the long drawn out points I would love to connect with this premise but gravity seems to be kicking my ass once again. I guess I wish I had a real best friend. Someone in which I could be stranded in a forest and we’d come out in better shape then before we got lost. A person who has more cliché jokes up his sleeve than I do. A person I could collaborate with, improvise with…I guess it all goes back to one of my theories of coasting which is something I have yet to do and will not elaborate on tonight…It would be nice to not only to be unabashedfully one’s self but to have someone actually enjoy being a part of those mundane moments. Maybe I should have woke up the guy on the floor and asked him if he wanted some company.
It feels like everyday I sit before this computer screen and my fingers balk at what they need to say (and yes I personified my fingers by attributing the idea that they had something to say. Associated Press, please crucify me for my sins.) I don’t know if I ever sit here with any real agenda…I just need to think and speak freely. This whole writing thing is like the best friend that to this day I have yet to have….I’m not really sure what I want to say tonight to this my friend, this ear of cyberspace, the one place I can feel…well, I can feel like this guy I saw today. So, I pulled an all-nighter last night. I just cleaned until the waking hours of work…I could feel my brain excrete chemicals organically ordered to tranquilize me. I was dozing off here and there at work with this heavy mental apprehension of “God why did I do this to myself.” It was like one of those intense paranoid marijuana induced highs where you keep praying to the “alternative cognitive state gods” and ask for the feeling to end. At the mercy of my decisions my brain functions where limited and concentration was null. When I got to school I was just a walking self conscience zombie with eyes sunk to the floor and a “leave me the fuck alone” disposition. I met my girlfriend at the college coffee shop and we ate while I attempted to catch up with my studies for Spanish class. After I fueled my angry stomach with the plain serving of food in which this coffee shop concocts and their thin blooded coffee my girlfriend escorted me to this most amazing part of campus. I shit you not it’s a full fledged “siesta lounge.” But technically it’s dubbed a “quite study area” but by unspoken colloquial rule it’s a nap haven. Upon entering this alternate universe your cerebral cortex picks up on the power of its solitude. It’s this quite hum sheltered away from the hustle of school. While in search of my perfect napping area I saw a guy laying back flush against the carpeted floor in full out REM state. And its this, this is the idea I’m talking about! Here is a grown adult in the most vulnerable and most humble positions he could be in. His face flush with the sky above him as his shoulders are anchored to the ground like a piece of the room’s furniture. To societal norms this view would be one of obscurity but this man was more comfortable acting this weird than I am attempting to act normal. It’s this freedom this ability to know one’s self so completely that one loses the fear of ridicule. I have this desire to be unabashedly myself and there are just those people who are unabashedly themselves. I know the long drawn out points I would love to connect with this premise but gravity seems to be kicking my ass once again. I guess I wish I had a real best friend. Someone in which I could be stranded in a forest and we’d come out in better shape then before we got lost. A person who has more cliché jokes up his sleeve than I do. A person I could collaborate with, improvise with…I guess it all goes back to one of my theories of coasting which is something I have yet to do and will not elaborate on tonight…It would be nice to not only to be unabashedfully one’s self but to have someone actually enjoy being a part of those mundane moments. Maybe I should have woke up the guy on the floor and asked him if he wanted some company.
# posted by Nick D @ 9:21 PM 
