Monday, December 12, 2005
Stream of Poop 4 –this is filled with mistakes but I had to get it out.
I used to read this girl’s blog. I got hooked an all her sexual escapades that I could envision and pretend to live myself. I was a parasite vicariously sucking on the nectar of her words. But as my reading continued…I got more skeptical to the point of becoming cynical. Questions filled my mind…Should I believe these words. Her life seemed to play out like some 90210 soap opera…which in reality was a guilty pleasure of mine as a kid. So there I was in her fly tar trap reading consuming imagining and be taken away by the plot. It became that a plot because somehow I convinced myself it wasn’t true. By keeping a written record of my life I can see for myself how life is this imaginary unfolding story. A plot spinning chaotically with instances of foreshadows and convince. Today I was 30 minutes late to work. There was an accident on I-70 that stopped my forward process to the grind. I get to the parking lot and I see my boss’ car nowhere in sight. I breathe a sigh of relief as I run to escape the clutches of the Buddha. Just them my boss pulls up …Fuck. I figured I could beat him to the doors and try to make our greeting as indiscrete as possible. To my dismay the doors want unlock with the use of my badge. I walks up says, “You’re late.” Then tries to open the doors with his badge and is unsuccessful. Then he replies; “now you have a reason.” I then had to walk the long way around the building side by side with my boss after guilty of being 30 minutes late. Of course I’m feeling exhausted considering the 4 hours of broken up sleep I got last night. I blame my biorhythms for this mishap. I read an Alan Watts passage where he was talking about the injustice of how we don’t set ourselves to our natural biorhythms instead we adjust yourself to the artificial concept of time…He’s my favorite writer of all time. So last night I have the gall to ask Seren if he’s ready to defend his claim in this capitalistic society. That’s just my stupid way of asking are you willing to play the game. I personally don’t see and alternative. I read once in the book of Buddha only to take on the beggar’s life if you were utmost ready for the rigorous discipline. I weird but I’m not that weird. I want food on the table and a roof over my head. If that means I need to get invited to the board room and have my job threatened the very next day I write a blog about not backing down in the apprentice board room so be it. Can anyone guess what happened???? About an hour and 15 minutes before I had to leave my boss assigned a near impossible task on me and the shit hit the fan. He gave this lady with the IQ of a chia pet a tedious but critical assignment of Mexico Taxes. This woman doesn’t know her computer from a paper weight and she didn’t have most of the daunting task completed. Having her help me accomplish the goal would be worse than me doing it by myself because she would slow me down. Then my manager tells me this has to be completed tomorrow!!! I started sweating a little because I have finals this week and all. I started going over to the women and canvassing all she had done for it realizing it wasn’t very much…I forced myself to go to my manager and explain the dilemma.
I went to my manger and asked, “When does this need to be done.”
He gave his corporate glare and said, “Tomorrow before you leave.”
I replied, “That’s impossible.”
He said, “Then you’ll have to stay late.”
I knew I had to inform him about my school obligations.
I whimpered, “But I didn’t know this was my responsibility and I have finals this week.”
His face exploded red as he growled, “Just leave!!!”
I very fastly walked toward my cube and calmed myself by saying, “Forget it I know I can get this done. I need to prioritize.”
He’s response was, “Let’s go the back room.”
On my walk back I psyched myself knowing I had to do battle.
He started tearing in on my by saying he has already warned me about my disrespectful behavior and that he didn’t care that I didn’t have respect for him but that he was tired of my perpetual disrespect.
To which I started to defend myself by saying with all do respect I wasn’t being disrespectful.
He butted in by saying I’m lucky because he’s on my side now but if I don’t shut up it would be bad for me.
So of course I calmly defended myself against his attacks my saying I didn’t know what he was talking about.
He considered my comments of “I didn’t think that it was my responsibility” was utmost disrespectful and intolerable that I couldn’t contain my temper, anger, frustration whatever I wanted to call it.
Then the scary thing started to perpetrate. He said he heard me as I walked back to my cube whisper, “No matter what I do it’s never good enough for this place.” ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
He’s words hit me like a bucket of cold ice. This was turning into an utter witch hunt. I was confused and flabbergasted. I didn’t say that and I had no clue why he was fabricating such allegations.
I asked him, “What are you talking about.”
He said, “Unless I’m on something I hear you say those words of complete disrespect.”
He rebuttled, “I didn’t day that.” I confessed, “I didn’t say that.”
He probed me saying he didn’t just hear things and I realized. Maybe he’s not lying maybe he lost it so bad he really imagined that happening. I was scared shitless but I was doing everything in my power to not show fear and be strong.
Under more of his allegations of blaming me for those fictitious words…for one millisecond I thought I was going to collapse under the weight of the moment.
It would have been easier for a dolphin like me to say, “Sorry, Sorry let’s stop fighting what I can do to make this better.” The dolphin that hates confrontation and can’t stand to see anyone uncomfortable. It’s easier for dolphins to take the blame for the panthers because it the dolphins that try to blanket the world and nurture it. I could see in that one moment how good people get exploited. The thought clicked in my head…Fuck that! I need to stand up for my innocents and make him feel like the ass he is being…and I need to be smart and tactful about it.
He then called my assistant manager in the room because I wouldn’t budge into admitting his hallucination was real.
She came into the closet and and took my said…not because of another reason that because I was right. He asked her if she heard what I mumbled as I walked back to my cube. She said she heard me say…”That I need to prioritize.”
My manager threatened to write me up and I said I disagree with that action because I wasn’t being disrespectful.
He said he didn’t care that I couldn’t control my temper and he’s talked to me in private for numerous occasions about my attitude.
I said we haven’t talked about my behavior for numerous occasions.
Then he turned to my assistant manager and said, “Oh just because Nick and I have conversations in private it means they never happened.”
I said no!!! That’s not the case. I said that I agree the time I got upset about the furlough speech was disrespectful and that it could have been handled more tactfully by myself and I fully admit that, but that this situation today was done because of my stress for the final but it wasn’t done with temperament and it wasn’t handled disrespectfully. So I can’t take fault for what’s transpiring now because the situations aren’t congruent.
My assistant manager kept chiming in that she had to agree with me. My manager lost the battle although he felt he keep control by telling me I need to keep my mouth shut.
I did so knowing inside that I had nothing to fear and that the most tactful way to approach this was to let him believe he has maintained authority for his extremely unprofessional and temperamental behavior that in all essence could get him fired. Although, he threatened to fire me with insubordination if I didn’t go to school tonight.
I left the closet and he and my assistant manager talked about things. I shook off the occurrences as best as I could and went on my way saying goodbye to everyone as I left.
Yes, I didn’t say those fabricated remarks but I realize that that only reason my assistant manager could take her stance and stand up for me was not only because I was right but because I wasn’t scared to stand up fro myself.
I felt like I aced that boardroom meeting apprentice style. The sick thing about it was it was good for me to see I have it in me to do what it takes to survive. I have respect for my boss. I don’t know how it’s gotten into his head I don’t. It’s damn scary that he could make shit up and not back down when he’s wrong.
I may be fired tomorrow for nothing more than being an employee who wants what’s best for the company and help on its race to profitability…but I will be a better stronger person.
So I go to school and see Amanda some girl that I knew back in the day.
Let’s just say I lost the card to her fan club membership long ago. I tried to be nice and give her a hug by she wasn’t standoffish and reeked of smoke. I sort of said ehhhhh. She looked at me and I said, “Ehhh final’s week is kicking my butt.” I don’t thing she bought it but I walked into the building blowing off the confrontation.
Then I went into the coffee shop where I was supposed to meet my group and saw girl named Bridgett that I haven’t seen for almost exactly a year now. I just talked about her yesterday to my girlfriend. Synchronicity abounds. One good thing was my wit was impeccable as I studied with the dark haired blue eyed girl Melissa from my Spanish class.
Life is crazy synchronicity abounds. There’s a Ted Green story I must tell at a later time. Also Arnold lived up to his Terminator nickname today.
I went on the web and but nick d in tha house as a google search. I had to know if my manager could secretly read my blogs. My blogspot page did not come up thank god…but my time capsule of a webpage…did….I was 22 when I last updated it. Here’s the link enjoy…it’s weird to see I still make jokes now that I did then…yet I feel like a completely different person. Enough for tonight.
I used to read this girl’s blog. I got hooked an all her sexual escapades that I could envision and pretend to live myself. I was a parasite vicariously sucking on the nectar of her words. But as my reading continued…I got more skeptical to the point of becoming cynical. Questions filled my mind…Should I believe these words. Her life seemed to play out like some 90210 soap opera…which in reality was a guilty pleasure of mine as a kid. So there I was in her fly tar trap reading consuming imagining and be taken away by the plot. It became that a plot because somehow I convinced myself it wasn’t true. By keeping a written record of my life I can see for myself how life is this imaginary unfolding story. A plot spinning chaotically with instances of foreshadows and convince. Today I was 30 minutes late to work. There was an accident on I-70 that stopped my forward process to the grind. I get to the parking lot and I see my boss’ car nowhere in sight. I breathe a sigh of relief as I run to escape the clutches of the Buddha. Just them my boss pulls up …Fuck. I figured I could beat him to the doors and try to make our greeting as indiscrete as possible. To my dismay the doors want unlock with the use of my badge. I walks up says, “You’re late.” Then tries to open the doors with his badge and is unsuccessful. Then he replies; “now you have a reason.” I then had to walk the long way around the building side by side with my boss after guilty of being 30 minutes late. Of course I’m feeling exhausted considering the 4 hours of broken up sleep I got last night. I blame my biorhythms for this mishap. I read an Alan Watts passage where he was talking about the injustice of how we don’t set ourselves to our natural biorhythms instead we adjust yourself to the artificial concept of time…He’s my favorite writer of all time. So last night I have the gall to ask Seren if he’s ready to defend his claim in this capitalistic society. That’s just my stupid way of asking are you willing to play the game. I personally don’t see and alternative. I read once in the book of Buddha only to take on the beggar’s life if you were utmost ready for the rigorous discipline. I weird but I’m not that weird. I want food on the table and a roof over my head. If that means I need to get invited to the board room and have my job threatened the very next day I write a blog about not backing down in the apprentice board room so be it. Can anyone guess what happened???? About an hour and 15 minutes before I had to leave my boss assigned a near impossible task on me and the shit hit the fan. He gave this lady with the IQ of a chia pet a tedious but critical assignment of Mexico Taxes. This woman doesn’t know her computer from a paper weight and she didn’t have most of the daunting task completed. Having her help me accomplish the goal would be worse than me doing it by myself because she would slow me down. Then my manager tells me this has to be completed tomorrow!!! I started sweating a little because I have finals this week and all. I started going over to the women and canvassing all she had done for it realizing it wasn’t very much…I forced myself to go to my manager and explain the dilemma.
I went to my manger and asked, “When does this need to be done.”
He gave his corporate glare and said, “Tomorrow before you leave.”
I replied, “That’s impossible.”
He said, “Then you’ll have to stay late.”
I knew I had to inform him about my school obligations.
I whimpered, “But I didn’t know this was my responsibility and I have finals this week.”
His face exploded red as he growled, “Just leave!!!”
I very fastly walked toward my cube and calmed myself by saying, “Forget it I know I can get this done. I need to prioritize.”
He’s response was, “Let’s go the back room.”
On my walk back I psyched myself knowing I had to do battle.
He started tearing in on my by saying he has already warned me about my disrespectful behavior and that he didn’t care that I didn’t have respect for him but that he was tired of my perpetual disrespect.
To which I started to defend myself by saying with all do respect I wasn’t being disrespectful.
He butted in by saying I’m lucky because he’s on my side now but if I don’t shut up it would be bad for me.
So of course I calmly defended myself against his attacks my saying I didn’t know what he was talking about.
He considered my comments of “I didn’t think that it was my responsibility” was utmost disrespectful and intolerable that I couldn’t contain my temper, anger, frustration whatever I wanted to call it.
Then the scary thing started to perpetrate. He said he heard me as I walked back to my cube whisper, “No matter what I do it’s never good enough for this place.” ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
He’s words hit me like a bucket of cold ice. This was turning into an utter witch hunt. I was confused and flabbergasted. I didn’t say that and I had no clue why he was fabricating such allegations.
I asked him, “What are you talking about.”
He said, “Unless I’m on something I hear you say those words of complete disrespect.”
He rebuttled, “I didn’t day that.” I confessed, “I didn’t say that.”
He probed me saying he didn’t just hear things and I realized. Maybe he’s not lying maybe he lost it so bad he really imagined that happening. I was scared shitless but I was doing everything in my power to not show fear and be strong.
Under more of his allegations of blaming me for those fictitious words…for one millisecond I thought I was going to collapse under the weight of the moment.
It would have been easier for a dolphin like me to say, “Sorry, Sorry let’s stop fighting what I can do to make this better.” The dolphin that hates confrontation and can’t stand to see anyone uncomfortable. It’s easier for dolphins to take the blame for the panthers because it the dolphins that try to blanket the world and nurture it. I could see in that one moment how good people get exploited. The thought clicked in my head…Fuck that! I need to stand up for my innocents and make him feel like the ass he is being…and I need to be smart and tactful about it.
He then called my assistant manager in the room because I wouldn’t budge into admitting his hallucination was real.
She came into the closet and and took my said…not because of another reason that because I was right. He asked her if she heard what I mumbled as I walked back to my cube. She said she heard me say…”That I need to prioritize.”
My manager threatened to write me up and I said I disagree with that action because I wasn’t being disrespectful.
He said he didn’t care that I couldn’t control my temper and he’s talked to me in private for numerous occasions about my attitude.
I said we haven’t talked about my behavior for numerous occasions.
Then he turned to my assistant manager and said, “Oh just because Nick and I have conversations in private it means they never happened.”
I said no!!! That’s not the case. I said that I agree the time I got upset about the furlough speech was disrespectful and that it could have been handled more tactfully by myself and I fully admit that, but that this situation today was done because of my stress for the final but it wasn’t done with temperament and it wasn’t handled disrespectfully. So I can’t take fault for what’s transpiring now because the situations aren’t congruent.
My assistant manager kept chiming in that she had to agree with me. My manager lost the battle although he felt he keep control by telling me I need to keep my mouth shut.
I did so knowing inside that I had nothing to fear and that the most tactful way to approach this was to let him believe he has maintained authority for his extremely unprofessional and temperamental behavior that in all essence could get him fired. Although, he threatened to fire me with insubordination if I didn’t go to school tonight.
I left the closet and he and my assistant manager talked about things. I shook off the occurrences as best as I could and went on my way saying goodbye to everyone as I left.
Yes, I didn’t say those fabricated remarks but I realize that that only reason my assistant manager could take her stance and stand up for me was not only because I was right but because I wasn’t scared to stand up fro myself.
I felt like I aced that boardroom meeting apprentice style. The sick thing about it was it was good for me to see I have it in me to do what it takes to survive. I have respect for my boss. I don’t know how it’s gotten into his head I don’t. It’s damn scary that he could make shit up and not back down when he’s wrong.
I may be fired tomorrow for nothing more than being an employee who wants what’s best for the company and help on its race to profitability…but I will be a better stronger person.
So I go to school and see Amanda some girl that I knew back in the day.
Let’s just say I lost the card to her fan club membership long ago. I tried to be nice and give her a hug by she wasn’t standoffish and reeked of smoke. I sort of said ehhhhh. She looked at me and I said, “Ehhh final’s week is kicking my butt.” I don’t thing she bought it but I walked into the building blowing off the confrontation.
Then I went into the coffee shop where I was supposed to meet my group and saw girl named Bridgett that I haven’t seen for almost exactly a year now. I just talked about her yesterday to my girlfriend. Synchronicity abounds. One good thing was my wit was impeccable as I studied with the dark haired blue eyed girl Melissa from my Spanish class.
Life is crazy synchronicity abounds. There’s a Ted Green story I must tell at a later time. Also Arnold lived up to his Terminator nickname today.
I went on the web and but nick d in tha house as a google search. I had to know if my manager could secretly read my blogs. My blogspot page did not come up thank god…but my time capsule of a webpage…did….I was 22 when I last updated it. Here’s the link enjoy…it’s weird to see I still make jokes now that I did then…yet I feel like a completely different person. Enough for tonight.
# posted by Nick D @ 10:53 PM 
Comments:
<< Home
Sounds to me like you handled it well. I wager he'll apologize and you won't be fired.
To be honest, I've put words in others' mouth at times, too. It says more about what we fear than what is really true. Your manager is at a dead-end point in his career.
We all have periods were our jobs totally rule. Then they level off and start to decline. It's about cycles of change. We crave change, we need change. Some people have very long cycles of change, so long that they don't ever seem to change. Others have very short cycles, so short that they seem as if they can't hold a steady job. It's all about personal comfort. Your boss sounds most uncomfortable, which can make you uncomfortable.
Good luck on that impossible deadline. Don't fret about it though. Focus on school.
If you don't complete everything at work, respectfully apologize and ask if you could have full responsibility for such an important deadline in the future. Perhaps if you know about it in advance, you'll be better equipped to succeed.
Perhaps I misunderstood your question about whether or not I have the mental judo to do what it takes to stand up for myself in our capitalistic world.
Man, I have so much free time on my hands these days. hehehe
To be honest, I've put words in others' mouth at times, too. It says more about what we fear than what is really true. Your manager is at a dead-end point in his career.
We all have periods were our jobs totally rule. Then they level off and start to decline. It's about cycles of change. We crave change, we need change. Some people have very long cycles of change, so long that they don't ever seem to change. Others have very short cycles, so short that they seem as if they can't hold a steady job. It's all about personal comfort. Your boss sounds most uncomfortable, which can make you uncomfortable.
Good luck on that impossible deadline. Don't fret about it though. Focus on school.
If you don't complete everything at work, respectfully apologize and ask if you could have full responsibility for such an important deadline in the future. Perhaps if you know about it in advance, you'll be better equipped to succeed.
Perhaps I misunderstood your question about whether or not I have the mental judo to do what it takes to stand up for myself in our capitalistic world.
Man, I have so much free time on my hands these days. hehehe
I have never been able to hold my own in situations like that. It's why I can only work for myself...Corporate America really sucks. And so do office politics. It almost makes me want to vomit.
Post a Comment
<< Home
